1. |
FA&FO
02:11
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I stay up late 'cause I'm not tired yet
Flexing autonomy that's become so hard to get
Not forcing feelings down or dismissing pain
One final space for our instincts to reign
Screamed through typed words or scrawl on legal pad walls
Tapped into a vein, let the bright gush of feelings fall
Building off my truths throughout all these years
Leaking out through my eyes, mouth, and ears
I won't sleep yet, no I'm not tired now
Full swing z-axis, fuck around and find out
Finding out what lies under everything
Finding out beyond us what that all could mean
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2. |
NOT QUITE SURE
02:37
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Oh to be born in interesting times
Wait for weeks when decades happen
When I see that first new light
I know, I know, I know…
Older now, deep in Unknowns
How many bridges can I burn?
Too many myths now blown
Through gaps and loss, I felt
If I knew everything about anything would I still be myself?
Through all these talks, I felt
Young doesn't mean wrong, but what time do I have left?
Caught myself falling away from now
But more aligned here at the core
Staying honest fighting my way now
Even though I'm not quite sure
I'm not quite sure
Eschewing this semblance of choices
While tempering my hubris and centering voices
Chipping away at these shells of truth
And we'll fill our house with Polaroids and journals and a thousand little particles of light
New waves to keep me up all night
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3. |
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Got two months rent
Piled up before they kick me out of this ol' town
Got so much new shit
To keep me sticking around
Scraping for my visa
Through World War III or a quick marriage off Tinder
#her, girl I need ya
'Cause Bushwick's getting me down
Storage unit
'Cause my new roommates never leave the house
These work-from-home freelance kids
I wonder how they can keep two months rent around
Please hire me at your Australian café
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4. |
Barn Song
02:32
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These flies pile on window sills and carpet floors
Where they die, all day long, amongst brethren that came before
And motivation saps, like it never has
From the lack of faith I'm seeing through my monitor glass
Dedication saps, like it never has
Just waiting out the waves to let these frustrations pass
And it will always pass
Oh, feel it pass, wash over me
Under bed covers and vaped weed
Oh, flushed out of importance
As our globe swiftly turns its
Face to me and we breathe
In our own resonant frequency
Under these new definitions of home
And how we've grown
And how we'll live through evolving life roles
New definitions of home
Told through fresh tomes
Felt through our fears and stacks of old Legos
While flies pile on window sills and carpet floors
Where they die, all day long, amongst brethren that came before
And I don't wanna live like that
No I don't wanna live like that
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5. |
Legal Pad Wallpaper
03:06
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The austerity of my blank walls
Like a canvas for late night feeling
Covered in legal pad wallpaper
I fill it with quick poems and meaning
Just tryna be more honest
Just tryna read the room
And spark up essential conversations
That can lead to a better me and you
While everything around us
Warps with heavy rains and winds
Blowing around our futures
As we traverse Alewife T walk hills
Still this common sense of grounding
Anchoring us in shower-locked arms
Amidst a tornado of transience
Surviving via purple chairs and deep morning talks
And I want you here under these walls
Making plans to get work done
And I want us to quickly break those plans apart
As we get lost in random fun
So I wait for the all clear
Half anticipating it never comes
And you actually do disappear
As I scribble away on legal pad walls
So I wait for the all clear
And I trust it will come today
With a poem or two at the ready
So again I'll be affirmed that I can stay
And you'll say, "you can stay"
And I'll stay at least for today
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6. |
Checklists & Communists
02:12
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Running time today
Springboards from open minds, I'll play
As I start fillin' 'em up with far more clarity
I fought outside myself
Continuing to stock up our shared bookshelf
And I've been waiting for this moment
But I don't really know it
What it is or where it comes or how I'll have to show it
Manic energy drawing out the friendly alarms
Still none of them mean that I'm actually wrong
So now I'm running out, no more pressing up against time
Running out, never feeling more fine
Checklists and communists
Feel it out and feel it loud
Ride out our tectonic shifts
Binging Grey's Anatomy for the first time
Thinking something's gotta be wrong with me inside
(Haven't been to a doctor in so long, still so freaked out by the thought of drawing blood)
But it's such a way to reconcile and couple
The dual grandness of the macro and the micro
Thoughts of macro revolution all through the day
Then nights of micro human suffering streamed through our TV
Thinking of my old friends, some with kids and families
These real feelings, not just infinite checkerboard quandaries
And it all amounts to nothing
It all amounts to going nowhere
Paralyzed behind these screens
Where discourse never seems to leave
It all amounts to nothing
But can still feel so fucking good
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7. |
Wannabe Ghosts
02:35
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Are you another ball of pure humanity, trapped behind a screen and a camera, making someone else money as the whole world crumbles outside? Well same here, friend! Let's just sit with that for a moment, feeling out our shared yearning for a life that could be ours and a world that could be free. You and me.
We're all just wannabe ghosts sometimes. Maybe one day we'll get it right.
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8. |
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Not much to say
Firmly sculpt out my voice
For a little more I'll wait 'til Election Day
To free up some of our headspace
Setting myself arbitrary deadlines
I can't ever abide by
'Cause I know the guy who wrote them
And he's so full of shit
So much easier to just do nothing
Aimlessly drift
Run towards what's comfortable
Not me unleashing pure, dramatic id
Save me from "what if" rock walls
Save me from fear of the fall
Save me from the mental stage where it already played out
Save me from easy time traps
Save me from those upwards steps
Save me from mythology to keep my feelings loud
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9. |
February Energy
02:07
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I don't know what to say, but it just feels kinda off
Got these holes in my brain, a sinking feeling in my heart
Feet glued to a rug incinerating under me
Now what comes next? No time to wait and see
So I can't sleep
Thoughts of everyone I was ever mean to now circling me
Eye-writing on the walls, planning betterment goals
Heart still racing from reading Freire and Garry Shandling
Losing ground, I'm slipping
Perpetual motion, losing sight of the mission
Caught myself, now I'm coming back slowly
To feeling February Energy
These weekends of zen reflections and meditative states
But then by Wednesday, I'm brimming with rage
And that's not like me; I've never been angry
Feel it loud out of my soul like I owe to macro memory
Curled up in a balcony hammock
Looking at a bay, bridge, skyline, or dark planet
Crack open my mind, flatten myself with feeling
Find new frameworks for solutions™ and defining our meaning
Losing ground, I'm slipping
Perpetual motion, losing sight of the mission
Caught myself, now I'm coming back…
Now I'm coming back to realizing, "Hey! I'm a person!
And our world keeps turning
And throughout our past and future times
I hope to keep emanating out these glowing orbs of light”
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10. |
Storage Unit (Reprise)
01:36
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February
With this whole city laid out in front of us
Storage unit energy
Through jobs and 99 cent crusts
So take me back to that minute
Smack myself in the face so I could stop spinning
Realize where I was
Take stock of my actions
Prepare for what's next
Hold onto that passion
And sing it out louder like "woah..."
Jeff at Trans-Pecos
While the universe was still aligned
Subways and loft shows
For a little longer only on my mind
But we'll be back in time
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11. |
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Gotta break free from the PMC
Gotta break free from the PMC
How did I get here? This isn't me
Gotta break free from the PMC
We're all just people
Not some inhuman scalable metrics
We're all just people
So why can't we stop and fucking act like it?
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12. |
Chaos Seeds
02:20
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In the midst of pandemic
And turned 26 last week
I can’t risk getting sick
While armed with nothing
So I’ll sit here and contribute to the friction of
The same system that keeps me stuck
Net negatives into the world
Yet they’re blindly fueling us
But I can’t go anywhere
So we grind our teeth and we punch our pillows
Leave the Zoom happy hours early
Take it all out on what we can control
Whatever to keep those earnings
Instead of the grand umbrella we’re under
Blocking out the drip of our universe’s nectar
Filtering it into cans of Budweiser
Making it so I can’t go
Oh I can’t go anywhere
Isn’t it fun commodifying our fundamental rights?
Isn’t it fun drinking down this ideology every night?
Isn’t it fun hearing sound and fury and “solution” talks?
It’s 2020, America’s great, and capitalism rocks!
On the wrong side of every issue throughout human history
Why would this present be any different?
It’s not! So let’s get to working
How do we tear down these rooted tree trunks of fear and sunk cost fallacies?
Well, we try whatever we can to sow our fresh chaos seeds
To maybe grow something better than you and me
To maybe grow something better than what we now see
Let’s start to grow something better than you and me
Let’s burn and build and sow our chaos seeds
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13. |
Fire Escape
03:53
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Tiny voices between our sleep
An earnest, soft welcome
Sing it out now and then
With our backs against the wall
Seal in my fate until next Saturday
Forgot what I want
While I feel as though a change
Is coming home in the dark
Then you'll wait for me
Until I've closed and locked the door
Stay up late with me
Until our spirits have long gone
Will we find what we were searching for?
Carved out of time and war
Legs out the window
Squished in the fire escape
A little longer than I thought we would
But we're always okay
Feigned self intake, wasting memories
But I still see my face
With three years pounded into one
After three of stagnation
Posting's not praxis
Crave the calm of logging off
Feel our new thinking
Letting off false alarms
Will we find what we were searching for?
Carved out of time and war
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14. |
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We're all just wannabe ghosts sometimes—maybe one day we'll get it right—while flies pile on window sills and carpet floors where they die, all day long, amongst brethren that came before. Oh I can't go anywhere. I caught myself falling away from now, but more aligned here at the core. Staying honest, fighting my way now even though I'm not quite sure. I'm not quite sure. NOT QUITE SURE. Everything's amazing, but then again couldn't be worse. We're all just wannabe ghosts sometimes...maybe one day we'll get it right.
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Feel Loudly New York, New York
madman campfire folkpunk
feelloudly.com
very old songs: nattyward.bandcamp.com
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